Into the mind of a grey ace woman.

It’s time to talk about my experience as a bisexual grey ace woman. The first thing we should cover is the question: What is grey ace? Well, it’s when someone falls between the spectrum of allosexual (typical sexual attraction) and asexuality (no sexual attraction). Asexual folks can be sex-positive and engage in sex. They just don’t experience sexual attraction. Some, however, abstain from sex entirely and are not interested. I do not fall into that category.

The first thing that comes to mind when defining my sexuality is doubt. I enjoy sex and feel sexual attraction – so I must be allosexual. Right? Well… no, it gets complicated. Remember the spectrum thing I brought up? That’s where this comes up.

You see, I asked on Twitter a while ago this question right here:

And some of my kind mutuals replied suggesting I may be grey ace. I looked into it, and it makes sense. I want to dive further into how my brain works, though, to give an idea of it, and then talk about how, recently, people have made me incredibly uncomfortable and don’t seem to understand not everyone shares their likes.

As I said in the tweet, I am repulsed by genitalia. Particularly, the penis. I really do not like the sight of it, even if I can handle it as a body part. I have no idea why this is. I am a bit more open to the vagina, but it still looks… not ‘nice’ to me at all. I don’t know how to word that without coming across as rude. Both parts are a ‘squick’ to me, and yet, I enjoy sex, so it’s a bit of a paradox. Toys that look anatomically accurate are not great to me, but those with different colors or whatever are more aesthetically pleasing.

It’s strange looking at the world, which seems hyperfixated on ‘dick’ and ‘pussy’. Which leads me to think of another thing I have even in writing. I wish I could be considered a legitimate ‘smut’ writer for some of my works, but I see posts all the time putting down ‘floral’ language and demanding people use those terms, hard language, in sex scenes. That, and describing fluids (Oh, right, I am repulsed as hell by ‘cum’ but we’ll get into that later.) For me, though, the harder language is repulsive (again – personal.)

Let me give you an example:

“He fucked her in the pussy so hard with his throbbing dick” – hard language.

“He took her roughly, letting out groans of pleasure as moans cascaded from her lips.” -soft language.

I like the use of ‘member’ or ‘length’ for the penis, and ‘warmth’ for vagina. Really, I’d rather mention ‘parts’ as little as possible in my writing, and have been getting better and better at just not mentioning them at all. In those cases, the reader will still know what is going on without the use of hard language. In the erotica/smut space, I’ve seen that frowned upon a LOT. Except… it’s what I, personally, enjoy. It seems like most people don’t understand why, but it’s just how my brain works.

Let’s talk about porn and NSFW pieces. Even if they are of someone I find attractive (muscular goth/punk folks, somewhat feminine features on men (especially goth makeup), somewhat masculine features on women(muscle comes to mind as what the general public think is ‘masculine’ even if I disagree) I will likely not be turned on. Especially if, during the porn segment, I see the parts. However, if it is suggestive, or a blanket is covering that portion of the experience, I can be. My focus is on the upper body – I couldn’t care less what’s going on down there. Sure, it feels good, but it’s mechanical, it gets the job done. It’s important, yes, for that peak (for me), but it’s part of a variety of things coming together, not the main point.

The real sensual thing for me are what their mouth is doing, what their hands are doing. Biting? Choking? Kissing? Talking? I won’t go into my particular kinks (I’m sure you could get a good idea by personal erotica I’ve written) but that’s the key thing for me. The sound of someone’s voice does wonders for me. What’s being said is important. The scent – what does their perfume/cologne smell like? Stuff like that.

Because I enjoy the act of sex, the feeling, and I feel sexual attraction, I figured I am not asexual. And, really, I’m not. I’m grey ace specifically, and I guess would not be considered ‘allosexual’ based on these things here. Given… what’s the definition of ‘fetish’? Well: “a form of sexual desire in which gratification is strongly linked to a particular object or activity or a part of the body other than the sexual organs.” So what does it mean when you are repulsed by sexual organs, but turned on by other things? Supposedly, not ‘among the typical’.

Now, let’s get into fluids. That’s another major squick of mine – particularly cum. Many people seem obsessed with it. Be it describing it, getting it all over them, etc. Meanwhile, I’m in the corner beyond disgusted by the notion of it. Which, really, doesn’t make sense. It’s just another bodily fluid, and yet… to me, it’s something that disgusts me to the core. Especially the idea of it being anywhere near my mouth.

Indeed, oral sex on folks with a penis is something I can write, and even narrate (third person), but is absoloutely one of my squicks. Even thinking about myself doing it makes my stomach twist into several knots, as if I’m going to spew. Like I said, I can handle it if someone else is the subject, but we get into people wanting me to narrate things in first person, and I’ve found that I completely freeze up and can’t do it.

This is a bit of a pain point for me as a newcomer to the NSFW voice over sphere. I accept commissions on Fiverr, but I’ve found there’s many people obsessed with their genitals. Not only that, but want to know what random people ‘think’ of their ideas. Those random people being me.

Let me just say, I am so sick of people sharing their scripts, then asking ‘what do you think’ or ‘do you like it’. The answer will always be: “No, fuck off, your likes aren’t mine, don’t ask me, you aren’t paying me for my opinion. If you wanted to pay me to lie, I would charge a LOT more. If you wanted to pay me for my honest opinion, (a) you’re going to be unhappy with it and (b) again, you’re gonna need to pay me a lot more”. I’m not paid to ‘like’ something, I am paid to narrate it. That goes for any ‘ideas’ people may have that fall outside of my personal fetishes.

I highly doubt most people have my kinks (worry not, it’s all consensual stuff between adults). So asking me what I think about my literal ‘squick’ is really stupid, and I am not afraid to say it. (Yes…some will ask even after I’ve pointed that out…) That, and wanting me to narrate oral/oral noises in the first person, or ‘praise their dick or cum’. It just… is gross to me. No. I refuse jobs like that now. Some people will and aren’t bothered by it, but I’ve learned by now to decline those scripts.

But, also, beyond it being me, it really is just super strange to ask a random freelancer on the internet, in an NSFW space or not, what they like about your kink. Can we stop doing that please? It’s weird, it’s gross, and it’s best to just stop. Seriously. Though, I almost guarantee I am preaching to the choir unless somehow this goes viral, which let’s be real, it won’t.

Anyway, all of that said, it’s hard to feel valid, because of the idea of not being ‘ace’ enough given I do feel sexual attraction and do enjoy sex. ‘Under certain conditions’ definitely applies, though. That self doubt is complicated, and I am not alone in how I feel, either.

I spoke with Matt Mason, a kind mutual of mine. He is a paranormal/urban fantasy mystery author, and you can learn more about his books here. He is on the ace spectrum as someone demisexual. I explained some of my thoughts (what I said on here) with him, and we got into a discussion. He talked about how he felt being on the spectrum of asexuality:

Our experiences with the spectrum of it are different, but we understand one another and that this is all a spectrum. We also understand the self doubt that comes along with it. Not being ‘ace’ enough.

We also got into the connection aspect of demisexuality, and he said (paraphrased here) that the connection is key and incredibly important when it comes to that attraction, something I share in a way. In my case, the story and buildup/connection between people are important. No story? No turn on, in my case.

I asked him about his experience with people invalidating him, and this is what he had to say:

The LGBTQ+ community definitely should be uplifting one another, not gatekeeping. Unfortunately, people will try to invalidate others. I see it as someone on the ace spectrum as opposed to completely asexual. I also see it as a bisexual woman in a relationship with a heterosexual guy. We have enough self doubt to deal with, for folks who should be listening and understanding one another, we should not be bringing experiences down.

Unfortunately, that is the case with those who try to invalidate us. No one is claiming their experiences or struggles are the same, or more/less valid. Just different. There’s respect that needs to be had between people, and these discussions need to be looked at through a mature lens.

In the end, it’s tough being someone like this. I’m coming to realized based on recent events I’ve been traumatized by a ‘client’ who misled me. It isn’t just for those on the ace spectrum working in NSFW spaces; this definitely applies to all in the space, and the challenges with creeps/unsavory individuals we need to deal with.

If I’ve learned one thing, it is: It’s one thing to be open minded about consensual things that happen between adults. It’s something else when a client in an NSFW business space starts getting attached to the person who is selling a product. In this case, it would be my voice. There is nothing wrong with indulging and ordering things you like, but it becomes a problem when you think the seller has any attachment.

We don’t.

Plain and simple.

So stop asking if we do, and for the love of gods, stop flirting or think we’ll want anything to do with you beyond you being a client in a strict business relationship. Ah, and for those who say ‘well you’re asking for it’? You, and your terrible take, can rot.

Or at least, that’s the way I look at it. I am just one person in a world of many.

All of that said, have some self promo. If you’re interested in my voice acting, you can check out my demos here.

Published by Des M. Astor

Heya, I'm an author. Typically I write Urban Fantasy, and I only usually read in that genre as well. My author's website is both a writing blog and a showcase for my work. Check it out if you'd like.

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