“You’re being too hard on her. She’s done so much for you and you really should be nicer.”
“All of the yelling. I flinch so much at someone raising their voice or their hand. Where did that come from?”
“That was likely her doing, to be honest. Every time you speak with her, she screams at you. Every visit is miserable.”
“She gave you her everything. She tells you she loves you dearly. You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“I’ve heard that for my entire life. I’m numb now. I never thought the lack of emotion could feel so good.”
“How could you do this to someone who gave you so much? You’re a selfish brat.”
“Her friends will say the same thing. She’ll do everything to get to me. She’s obsessed. It’s alarming, really.”
“She has the right to be obsessed. She raised you. You owe her everything.”
“Blood means nothing, alright? Just because she raised me doesn’t excuse her from all of the shit she’s put me through.”
“You snapped at her. How could you say those things to her?”
“She had it coming. All of this rage, all of this hatred, it’s been building up. I wish I had an ounce of feeling left. But after what she’s put me through from a kid to where I am now, and never giving me peace…“
“Miserable every time I call her. Asking why I never call her. Why I hate visiting her. We’re a ticking time bomb. Okay? Every time we’re together something goes wrong.”
“She raised you. She should have a say in–“
“In what? Seriously, in what? After degrading me my entire life, screaming at me, leaving me at restaurants alone, making everything my fault, threatening to throw everything away, screaming at every tiny thing she thought I did wrong, embarrassing me by screaming at me in front of my friends or putting on a fake face in front of their parents, saying I should talk more and never listening to me. SO MUCH YELLING! She yelled at me all the time. And for what?!”
“Maybe you deserved it.”
“No, fuck that. I didn’t. I was a kid who was a goody-two-shoes. No drugs, no sex, hell I had a fear of sex probably because she was sleeping with men in the house that did things to me. I don’t remember. I can’t even remember my own trauma. But when I have to go to years of therapy to get over it, something’s wrong. What did she do?! Try to make damn sure I never got to therapy. She constantly tried turning me against my father.”
“A puppet on strings. Parents used me to scream at each other back and forth. Her more than him. Why am I such a bitch now? When you grow up and most of the time your mother(and father, sometimes) screams at you, with no elbow room, you turn into… this. I was feeble at first. But after many of my supposed ‘best friends’ stabbed me in the back, told lies about me, dropped me like I was useless to them after all we’d been through…”
“Why am I like this? Maybe I should stop making excuses for her, and for all of them. People will call me a heartless bitch. But in reality, I’m tired of being a doormat.”
This was a random rant-like post that is typically what goes on in my head during times like this. As you can see, the white text is the ‘bad voice’. That’s intentional. Tired of white being seen as ‘perfect and pure’ when in reality it’s the damn evil on my shoulder.
I try to make excuses for my mother. And I reached my breaking point by cutting her off. I don’t know if anyone (her friends, the rest of my family) will understand. She tries to contact through my family. I just want to be left alone, really.
I’m so tired of tolerating her. The subtle jabs. The attempt at guilt tripping and turning me into some sort of monster. I’m done with it. I’m done with her bringing up ‘well other people’s kids do this’.
I really wish I could be more patient and possibly not think this way, but I know the cycle will just continue. I hate the horrible guilt I feel, which will always be there. But time and again, we’ve clashed, and I can’t really take it anymore, so I’ve made the decision to cut her off.
Des M. Astor 